10 Words You Don't Know That Shouldn't Exist

Some words shouldn’t exist because there is no logical sense in their existence. The words I describe here exist. I found them in reputable reference areas on the web or in dictionaries. Nevertheless they are all ridiculous and unnecessary. I humbly propose that we rid ourselves of these words. Let’s face it, you’ve never met with these words before, so how much of a tragedy will it be if you never meet with them again. And if by some slim chance you actually have met with any of these words before, I’m sure you’ll be happy for them to disappear from our existence anyway. Here’s my list of the superfluous

1. Poodle-faker: This is a young man who seeks advancement through his association with female society and particularly wealthy women. The term derives from the use of the term “poodle” which was a slang term for a woman in the UK at the beginning of the 20th Century and “faking” since the man’s interest is on the money or professional advancement. No matter. That time has gone and this word can happily be put to rest. The word “gigolo” is perfectly adequate for describing men who trade their charms for wealth through their association with women.
2. Phobologophobia: There are lots of phobia words I have a problem with. I really don’t like porphyrophobia; the fear of the color purple, not because people have no right to have a fear of a given color, but because there is no corresponding word for fears of other colors in the spectrum, like green, red or blue. I’m not particularly partial to ornithoscelidaphobia; the fear of dinosaurs. First of all, there aren’t any around so being afraid of them makes no sense, but even if you allow that phobias are products of the imagination to some degree, then it’s simply unfair that there is a word for the fear of reptiles from the Mesozoic era, but no words for extinct classes of fauna from other periods. Nevertheless, if we’re going to lose a phobia word, lets lose phobologophobia, the fear of words about fears. How does that make any sense at all?
3. Ascian: An ascian is a person (or thing) that has no shadow. The word is connected with the fact that, in the tropics, when the sun is exactly overhead, people don’t cast much of a shadow. But, and I’m going to be completely pedantic here, they do cast a shadow. Even if they didn’t (and they do) they would only not cast a shadow for a very short time in the day and then only on one day of the year when the sun was precisely overhead. So when would anyone ever use this word? The reason for its existence is thinner than the shadow cast by and ascian stick insect.
4. Pentapopemptic: If you’ve been divorced two, three, four or six times, there’s no simple word to describe you, but if you’ve been divorced five times, there is. It’s pentapopemtic and it’s superfluous.
5. Furr-ahin and Fittie-lan: I can’t remember which word is which, but one of these two refers to “the hindmost horse on the right pulling a plough” and the other to “the near horse of the hindmost pair pulling a plough.” The way I read that, the furr-ahin can also be the fittie-lan and since no-one does horse-pulled ploughs any more, there’s no-one to consult about it. Neither can we discover whether there is a word among the ploughers for the hindmost horse on the left or the far horse of the hindmost pair. But there’s no reason to know, anyway. No matter how charitable we want to be, it’s over for these words. Let’s consign them to some rural word museum.
6. Mallemaroking: This is a word that is gradually dying anyway. You can blame Chambers dictionary for that, although you can also blame Chambers for keeping it alive. Mallemaroking is believed to derive from the Dutch “mallemerok”, which refers to a romping woman or possibly a tomboy. The word means “the carousing of seamen in icebound Greenland whaling ships.” OK, I am not a whaler and never have been, so I’m not really sure what such carousing involves or even why it takes place, except for the obvious explanation that if there’s no whaling to be done, and you are locked in by ice, then you may as well carouse a little. However the definition of the word is gradually being amputated. Over time it seems to have lost its Greenland aspect and its whaling aspect, so that in the latest edition of Chambers it is simply the kind of thing that seamen do on icebound ships. My guess is that Chambers is desperately trying to save this word by making it more general. But really, ships don’t get icebound much anymore, so if we’re going to save this word then more amputation is required. I humbly suggest mallemarocking; the carousing of seamen because I’m convinced that seamen can be depended upon to carouse at some time or other. Alternatively let’s forget the damn word.
7. Zygopleural: I object to this word because there is also zygomorphic, which means exactly the same: having bilateral symmetry. Neither of these words sees a great deal of use because most people are not exactly sure what bilateral symmetry is. One of them should gracefully step aside for the benefit of the other. My choice for the shredder is zygopleural
8. Abacinate: To abacinate means to blind someone, but more than that, to blind them by putting a hot copper basin near their eyes. I have two problems with this word. First, blinding someone is not nice behavior and we shouldn’t have too many words to describe such behavior. The second problem I have is it’s far too specific. Such specialization in a word is unnecessary and it should be retired accordingly.
9. Zumbooruk: I have no idea whether it is possible to fire a cannon that is being carried on the back of a camel. My guess is that it is indeed possible, if the cannon isn’t too large – but only because of the existence of this word – which refers to a cannon fired from the back of a camel. Unfortunately no-one is sure how to spell the word; zumbooruck, zomboruk, zamboorak, zamburak or zamburek are all equally valid and the operator of the cannon can be referred to either as a zumboorukchee or a zamburakchi. This is all completely hopeless. How can you have a word with so many spellings. It would be a nightmare at a spelling B. Who would dare to say that any spelling was actually wrong? No-one does cannons on camels anymore and even when they did no-one was sure how to spell the damn word. We can surely let this one go.
10. Xenoglossy: This is a complete self-contradiction. Xenoglossy is the ability to speak a language without having learned it. This is an ability that I simply don’t believe anyone has and hence there is no point in having a word for it. If you ever run into anyone who is capable of speaking a language without ever learning it, send them to me and I’ll happily shoot them.

Also:

10 Curse Words You Don’t Know
10 Insulting Words You Don’t Know
10 Nonsense Words You Don’t Know
10 Words You Don’t Know With Limericks
10 Units of Measure You Don’t Know

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Tagged as: defunct, unnecessary